I’m Tired

Madigan
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March 5, 2018
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March 9, 2018

I’m Tired

Rough looking

Not the best start to the day. I'm tired.

I'm tired of feeling weak.
I'm tired of feeling pathetic.
I'm tired of feeling like a burden.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure.
I'm tired of feeling like there's no hope and no end.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm looking for attention.
I'm tired of feeling incompetent.
I'm tired of feeling better, only to end up back where I belong.
I'm tired of feeling like where I belong is at the bottom.
I'm tired of feeling afraid.
I'm tired of feeling so anxious I can't stop pacing and pulling at my hair.
I'm tired of feeling paranoid and not being able to leave my apartment.
I'm tired of feeling I'm about to lose everything and I have nothing to lose, all at the same time.
I'm tired of feeling.

I'm tired of having to take pills to keep things "level".
I'm tired of pills that don't work.
I'm tired of holding things together.
I'm tired of fighting the negativity ingrained in my own mind.
I'm tired of being alone, because as much as people offer their support, it can only come from the outside, never the inside, where I live.
I'm tired of not saying what I think or how I feel because I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable.
I'm tired of being afraid to fall, in case I can't get back up again.
I'm tired of trying to make myself believe I was ever "up" to begin with.
I'm tired of self sabotage driven by self loathing.

I'm tired of hearing.
I'm tired of hearing "I've been where you are. Things will get better."
I'm tired of hearing "You just need to think positively."
I'm tired of hearing "Have you tried meditation?"
I'm tired of hearing "Have you tried different medication?"
I'm tired of hearing "Have you tried counselling?"
I'm tired of hearing "As bad as it is, it could always be worse."
I'm tired of hearing "It's all in your head."
I'm tired of hearing "Think of the people who love you."
I'm tired of hearing "It will pass."

I'm tired of overcrowded and understaffed hospitals.
I'm tired of useless lists of useless resources with useless solutions and short term commitments.
I'm tired of the only potentially effective resources being priced out of possibility.
I'm tired of "specialists" who can't respond, not even a simple phone call or email, to eight years of constant doctor referrals so you at least feel like you're taken seriously. Like your situation matters enough to warrant consideration and decision, even if it's a "no". That your life matters enough to be acknowledged. That you matter at all.
I'm tired of not being able to sleep at night because I dread having to face another day too soon.
I'm tired of waking up with my first reaction being disappointment I'm still alive.
Again.
That I will have to repeat it all.
Again.
I hate that my life is all about "again".
I hate my life.

I'm tired of being so tired. Not the best start to the day.

A song for the hell of it: Crowded House "Better Be Home Soon".

Christopher Muggridge
Christopher Muggridge
Christopher Muggridge is a creative writer based in London, Canada. He engages in a wide range of writing styles including poetry, personal essays, articles, short stories, novels; as well as whatever else may float his boat or tickle his fancy. He is not adverse to drawing on personal experience to write about mental health issues or his perspectives on human interaction.

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