I owe an apology to those I upset by my dramatic and admittedly dire post on Wednesday. It's obvious I was in a dark place, but believable or not, my primary motivation was never to test the existence or strength of dedication of those who care for me. I found myself driven by the need to expel my overwhelming sense of despair and helplessness before it consumed me. In my act of desperation, I sought to save myself by exploding rather then imploding. Unfortunately, one of the consequences of an explosion is the shrapnel caught by those closest to you. No one comes away unscathed and there is a burden of responsibility and selfishness inherent in such an act. So for this, I apologize and ask forgiveness, as well as your patience as I do my best to deal with my recurring struggle. I assure you that I appreciate, more than I can ever adequately express, the actions of those who took the time to reach out, both openly online and through private messages, to assure me that they heard me and are there to lend help if I should choose to seek it out.
Sometimes the realization that this is who I am, that the ebb and flow of my existence is dictated by shifting states between depression and anxiety, hopelessness and sometimes even euphoria, causes me frustration and anger. It's not a flu or a cold that will eventually pass, but something that is a part of me. Something that can Jekyl-and-Hyde me at any time, and will be an unwelcome roommate (or roommates plural based on perception) for the rest of my life. At times, when I'm at my most vulnerable, it makes me question whether I can handle it, or more accurately still, whether I want to. Perhaps I'm not strong enough and the only way out is, well, to get out. The only way to win the game sometimes is to not play at all. These are the times that lead me to days like Wednesday and the outpouring of my private thoughts and feelings for all to see. For anyone who frowns on what they consider "over-sharing" and attention seeking on their Facebook wall - perhaps you're right. Perhaps you feel that people like myself need to tell it to a therapist and not the world at large. All I can offer in my defense is sometimes it's not about seeking a response; it's about knowing that someone, anyone, knows that you exist and you are in pain. Sometimes there is no one else and you need to do something, anything, to get it out while your primary instinct is to keep it to yourself and let it destroy you.
Whatever the reasons, I felt it only fair that I let those who are kind enough to worry about me that I'm still here. I'm far from "OK" but after not getting out of bed until after six last night, I was up again at six this morning and I'm tackling Friday the best I can.
Have a great weekend and do me a favour, stay awesome for me. The world can always use more awesome.
Song to Friday by: Salt-N-Pepa "Push It"