Woke up with doubt and sadness this morning. Even a touch of loneliness. I've been on a positive streak for a bit and the sudden shift comes as no surprise as after all this time I'm accustomed to it. Still never something I'm happy to see return but something I've come to accept as part of who I am. It's me and always will be. I have my ups. I have my downs. Sometimes I have both at the same time.
Recently I've decided to stop fighting it so much and accept it instead. It's part of my reality, and it's not all bad. I believe it makes me a more compassionate person. I'm more conscious of how my actions affect others. I work harder and take responsibilities and commitments seriously. It's not about eliminating but integrating and accepting so I can live my life to the best of my abilities.
There is a saying that goes "Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." That's where I want to be. I want to be more in the moment. I want to understand myself better and become a better, stronger person.
In this case, it's easy to speculate the triggers that lead to my current state. Anxiety about attending University soon, the reality of starting a new job and even with employment, the knowledge that it may not be enough to cover all my bills. Too much time spent alone. Ironically, even an event I'm attending tomorrow, which I've been looking forward to for months, but carries with it an anxiety of interacting in groups of people. Many times I'd call it off at the last minute, but not this time. This time, I'm in charge, not my insecurities. I know I'll have a good time once I'm there and the doubt riding my shoulders can wait in the car.
I can't know the future so there's no use agonizing over things that may never happen while ruining today. What I can do is look back at my forty-six years and see all the times I found myself in this same situation and recognize that no matter how much my world felt like it was destined to fall apart, I'm still here. Not everything work's out the way you plan, but it does work out. You may not always be happy with the results but each hurdle leaped introduces one more ending and allows for a new beginning.
Every minute you're here is another chance to get things right, and I'll never be perfect but I'm closer to it than I was yesterday.
Happy Friday. I hope you find some peace of your own today.
A song to welcome the weekend: The Pursuit Of Happiness "I'm An Adult Now"