Christopher Muggridge

Sometimes I have thoughts.

Sometimes I post these thoughts on my website for you to read. Sometimes you read them. This is generally referred to as "Blogging", which should not be confused with "Flogging", an activity I do not perform for free. Unlike my Blogging.

March 7, 2018
Rough looking

I’m Tired

Not the best start to the day. I'm tired.

I'm tired of feeling weak.
I'm tired of feeling pathetic.
I'm tired of feeling like a burden.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure.
I'm tired of feeling like there's no hope and no end.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm looking for attention.
I'm tired of feeling incompetent.
I'm tired of feeling better, only to end up back where I belong.
I'm tired of feeling like where I belong is at the bottom.
I'm tired of feeling afraid.
I'm tired of feeling so anxious I can't stop pacing and pulling at my hair.
I'm tired of feeling paranoid and not being able to leave my apartment.
I'm tired of feeling I'm about to lose everything and I have nothing to lose, all at the same time.
I'm tired of feeling.

I'm tired of having to take pills to keep things "level".
I'm tired of pills that don't work.
I'm tired of holding things together.
I'm tired of fighting the negativity ingrained in my own mind.
I'm tired of being alone, because as much as people offer their support, it can only come from the outside, never the inside, where I live.
I'm tired of not saying what I think or how I feel because I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable.
I'm tired of being afraid to fall, in case I can't get back up again.
I'm tired of trying to make myself believe I was ever "up" to begin with.
I'm tired of self sabotage driven by self loathing.

I'm tired of hearing.
I'm tired of hearing "I've been where you are. Things will get better."
I'm tired of hearing "You just need to think positively."
I'm tired of hearing "Have you tried meditation?"
I'm tired of hearing "Have you tried different medication?"
I'm tired of hearing "Have you tried counselling?"
I'm tired of hearing "As bad as it is, it could always be worse."
I'm tired of hearing "It's all in your head."
I'm tired of hearing "Think of the people who love you."
I'm tired of hearing "It will pass."

I'm tired of overcrowded and understaffed hospitals.
I'm tired of useless lists of useless resources with useless solutions and short term commitments.
I'm tired of the only potentially effective resources being priced out of possibility.
I'm tired of "specialists" who can't respond, not even a simple phone call or email, to eight years of constant doctor referrals so you at least feel like you're taken seriously. Like your situation matters enough to warrant consideration and decision, even if it's a "no". That your life matters enough to be acknowledged. That you matter at all.
I'm tired of not being able to sleep at night because I dread having to face another day too soon.
I'm tired of waking up with my first reaction being disappointment I'm still alive.
Again.
That I will have to repeat it all.
Again.
I hate that my life is all about "again".
I hate my life.

I'm tired of being so tired. Not the best start to the day.

A song for the hell of it: Crowded House "Better Be Home Soon".

March 5, 2018
Madigan

The Memories We Make

It's almost three in the morning, and I'm trying once again to coax myself to bed, when I find my mind turning to my daughter Madi. When she was a little girl, I used to shave my head, and sometimes, as we watched TV, she would curl up in my lap and run her tiny hand back and forth across my bristly scalp. She said she liked the way it felt. It was such a simple gesture, but I remember how close - how connected - it made me feel to her. It was something special only we shared, and it makes me sad now to know I'll never be able to reclaim those moments. As I finally find it in me to call it a night, I do so with mixed emotions. I'm happy for the opportunities that created those memories with her, but I mourn my inability to recognize at the time that eventually, buried amongst everything else that would grow to seem so empirically important, it would be those quiet times between the two of us that will forever matter most. It's regretful that we only gain true wisdom through experience, but I suppose it's also only by the loss of something that we can appreciate the measure of its true value. Goodnight Madigan, I love you and I'm sorry I didn't hold you tighter when I had you curled so close.

March 2, 2018
All nighter smile

All Nighter

Well that was an all-nighter and there's still more to go. Made some headway on some work, so at least it wasn't a waste of anything other than sleep. We'll see how long I can go before I sneak a nap. I have to be careful because if I remain awake too long I can edge into a manic phase and the next thing I know, a week has gone by and I haven't made it to bed.

Still, it's Friday and should be treated as such. That's why I've decided to work without pants. In my office, every Friday is no-pants Friday. Of course, in my office, no one ever seems to want to hang around for long. I choose to believe it's a coincidence but then again, I also run on little sleep and a questionable lack of good judgement.

For everyone else getting up and on their way, be happy knowing you don't have to share a desk next to mine and everything else should be a bonus today. Oh, and don't forget to be awesome.

A jingle for the pants: The Cure "Friday I'm in Love".

February 28, 2018
Unicorn

Unicorns, Tequila, & Skittles

My brain feels like I'm riding an electric unicorn bull fueled by equal parts Tequila and Skittles. The best part is, the saddle and my mental pants are both made of Lego and fit together like my ego and the studliest fedora that money can buy. I am a creative God. Or at least as close as an Atheist can get. Or I'm just full of shit. Does it matter which, if I'm happy and I didn't make anyone else suffer to get here?

February 28, 2018
Homemade cap and gown

Getting Schooled

For everyone who only ever sees doom and gloom from me on here, I want to let you know I've been (primarily) experiencing a boost of mania over the last two days. One of my longest stretches yet. Makes my brain move too fast to keep up with sometimes so I still have some difficulty concentrating and completing tasks, but at least I laugh for little reason while I'm falling behind.

I was accepted into Western for the fall and today I handed in, what I hope to be, the last paperwork required for my OSAP application so with any luck, sometime in my early to mid fifties this will be me, but with an actual cap and gown and not a throw pillow and a bed sheet. I may keep the USB cord for a tassel though.

February 23, 2018
Looking out the window

An Expression Of Views

A theist addresses a comment or situation with a religious statement. This is an expression of their views.

An atheist addresses a religious comment or action with a statement criticizing religion. This is an expression of their views.

One is entitled to their beliefs and should be respected as well as allowed to voice their thoughts openly, as is their right. The other is a bully and should remain silent as everyone is entitled to their own opinion, except apparently, theirs.

An open stance against religion is viewed as an intolerant attack while an open display of religious perspective is a sacred act, beyond reproach and exempt from criticism and challenge.

I may not agree with your views, but I fully stand behind your right to have them and even voice them. However, if you don't want me to openly express my opinion regarding religion, don't openly express yours. Freedom of speech is not a one-sided privilege, only entitled to those who's convictions are vulnerable to injured feelings. You have the right to hold your beliefs and speak your mind. You don't have the right to not be offended. You don't like being challenged in an open exchange, take your ball and go home. Me, I'm staying right here and exercising my right to free speech, whether it hurts your feelings or not.

February 18, 2018
Fist

Punch

I'm not generally a physical person, and I never condone violence as a reasonable means to an end, but some days I'd like to punch the world in the face.

Just saying.

February 17, 2018
Looking smug

Better Than Last Saturday

It's Saturday. I've showered, shaved, dressed, and even washed the dishes. Right now there's a load of laundry in the washer and I'm spending time in the vicinity of my phone enslaved daughter. Still, interactive or not, it's always better when she's here buried in Snapchat than when she's not here at all. I have to work this afternoon to make up for some anxiety/depression driven lost time these last couple of weeks but I'm at the computer and about to get the show on the road.

Can anyone answer something for me? Why is it that the whole time my daughter is with me she's on her phone, but whenever I try to contact her, the phone is never "working"?

A Saturday-better-than-last-Saturday tune: Simply Red "If You Don't Know Me By Now".

February 16, 2018
All hair and earmuffs

Koala Earmuffs And A Mountain Of Hair

Little sleep and a late start, but new clothes after a shower, a coffee in hand, and my trusty koala earmuffs holding down a mountain of hair, and I'm ready to tackle Friday. Here's to hoping that Friday is not getting ready to tackle me.

Friday's sing-song-single: The Cars "Shake It Up".

February 15, 2018
Feeling the effects of withdrawal

New Personal Essay Posted

I added a new personal essay to the site. It illustrates my views on personal responsibility and centers around a recent situation with my medication.

The Buck Stops Here

March 13, 2018
Channeling caffeinne Einstein

Tues-tastic

Up at six and doing my impression of Einstein drinking coffee, except without all the brains and such.

Looks like it's going to be a real Tuesday out there today folks so be sure to wear clean underwear, even if they're not yours. Owning your own pair of clean underwear may be a luxury but it's not always a deal breaker. It's like I always say - "don't ask, don't tell, but never let them find you smell." Really, I do say that. All the time. To myself mostly, but I've never heard anyone dispute it yet. Of course, I mostly roll commando but that's a secret I'll take with me to the grave.

Damn, I forgot how terrible I am at keeping secrets.

Still too cold for me to take a walk so I suppose I'll get to work instead. This mouse isn't going to push itself around. I meant that in a literal sense of course, and not from a position of power and control over something that can't defend itself. I may be many things but a bully is not one of them. Truth be known, I'm actually kind of afraid of the thing. It doesn't have any eyes and yet I can still feel it staring at me, judging me, until I cover its face with my hand and move it back and forth to keep it off balance. Wow. Maybe I'm paranoid AND a bully.

You can learn so much about yourself on a Tuesday. Which is what today is. A Tuesday. But you knew that already didn't you?

A Tues-tastic tune: Buddy Holly "That'll Be The Day"

March 12, 2018
Shoes at the door

Conversely So

The converse are impatient for spring walks and some warm fresh air. The mornings are getting lighter and Spring is on the way. Biggest challenge since moving back to London will be finding the best places to walk and the greatest regret is not having the boardwalk along the beach to traverse every evening. Going to miss the sunset photos.

Still, time marches on and so will I. The Converse must be appeased and my spirit must be pleased for my sanity to be at ease.

Monday music spin: Cyndi Lauper "Girls Just Wanna have Fun".

March 11, 2018
Dishes drying

Up And At ‘Em

Up and at 'em, said the captain, setting schedule by decree.
The wash set the pace - body, clothes, dish, and face - while the sun poured the light in to see.
Work for clients began, with keyboard at hand, because no one can live long for free.
But later there's play, relaxation awaits, as balance in all is the key.
And the best part of all, through the big and the small?
The captain in charge here was me.

Sunday mixer for the kicker: Eurythmics "Missionary Man".

March 10, 2018
Saturday smiles on the couch

This Morning, I Feel Good

The perpetually fluctuating and ridiculously drastic elasticity of my emotional state is not lost on me, and neither is the dramatic and laborious impact it must have on those around me - but this morning I feel good. The sun is shining, I'm accomplishing things, and although trials and tribulations still exist, for today at least, they exist in another time. It may not always be easy or readily apparent, but I do indeed attempt to take things as they come and get my breaths of air where and when I can.

I hope others are able to do the same and I encourage everyone to take a break and spend your valuable time on yourself and the ones you love. I may not be up here for long, but I'm making this post to help remind myself that sometimes, every once in a while, it is possible for me to be this person as well.

Song for a sunny Saturday: EMF "Unbelievable".

March 9, 2018
Ring of fire

My Brain Is Aflame

My brain is aflame as it rains and explains the life insane as it rolls and rocks with urges and thoughts and spills through the thrills of my energized frame. 'Tween the low and the high, I'm piercing the sky with no means to fly but my frantic supply of dreams and drive as I live and I die, minute by minute.

March 9, 2018
Feet up

Exploding Before Imploding

I owe an apology to those I upset by my dramatic and admittedly dire post on Wednesday. It's obvious I was in a dark place, but believable or not, my primary motivation was never to test the existence or strength of dedication of those who care for me. I found myself driven by the need to expel my overwhelming sense of despair and helplessness before it consumed me. In my act of desperation, I sought to save myself by exploding rather then imploding. Unfortunately, one of the consequences of an explosion is the shrapnel caught by those closest to you. No one comes away unscathed and there is a burden of responsibility and selfishness inherent in such an act. So for this, I apologize and ask forgiveness, as well as your patience as I do my best to deal with my recurring struggle. I assure you that I appreciate, more than I can ever adequately express, the actions of those who took the time to reach out, both openly online and through private messages, to assure me that they heard me and are there to lend help if I should choose to seek it out.

Sometimes the realization that this is who I am, that the ebb and flow of my existence is dictated by shifting states between depression and anxiety, hopelessness and sometimes even euphoria, causes me frustration and anger. It's not a flu or a cold that will eventually pass, but something that is a part of me. Something that can Jekyl-and-Hyde me at any time, and will be an unwelcome roommate (or roommates plural based on perception) for the rest of my life. At times, when I'm at my most vulnerable, it makes me question whether I can handle it, or more accurately still, whether I want to. Perhaps I'm not strong enough and the only way out is, well, to get out. The only way to win the game sometimes is to not play at all. These are the times that lead me to days like Wednesday and the outpouring of my private thoughts and feelings for all to see. For anyone who frowns on what they consider "over-sharing" and attention seeking on their Facebook wall - perhaps you're right. Perhaps you feel that people like myself need to tell it to a therapist and not the world at large. All I can offer in my defense is sometimes it's not about seeking a response; it's about knowing that someone, anyone, knows that you exist and you are in pain. Sometimes there is no one else and you need to do something, anything, to get it out while your primary instinct is to keep it to yourself and let it destroy you.

Whatever the reasons, I felt it only fair that I let those who are kind enough to worry about me that I'm still here. I'm far from "OK" but after not getting out of bed until after six last night, I was up again at six this morning and I'm tackling Friday the best I can.

Have a great weekend and do me a favour, stay awesome for me. The world can always use more awesome.

Song to Friday by: Salt-N-Pepa "Push It"

March 7, 2018
Rough looking

I’m Tired

Not the best start to the day. I'm tired.

I'm tired of feeling weak.
I'm tired of feeling pathetic.
I'm tired of feeling like a burden.
I'm tired of feeling like a failure.
I'm tired of feeling like there's no hope and no end.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm looking for attention.
I'm tired of feeling incompetent.
I'm tired of feeling better, only to end up back where I belong.
I'm tired of feeling like where I belong is at the bottom.
I'm tired of feeling afraid.
I'm tired of feeling so anxious I can't stop pacing and pulling at my hair.
I'm tired of feeling paranoid and not being able to leave my apartment.
I'm tired of feeling I'm about to lose everything and I have nothing to lose, all at the same time.
I'm tired of feeling.

I'm tired of having to take pills to keep things "level".
I'm tired of pills that don't work.
I'm tired of holding things together.
I'm tired of fighting the negativity ingrained in my own mind.
I'm tired of being alone, because as much as people offer their support, it can only come from the outside, never the inside, where I live.
I'm tired of not saying what I think or how I feel because I don't want to make others feel uncomfortable.
I'm tired of being afraid to fall, in case I can't get back up again.
I'm tired of trying to make myself believe I was ever "up" to begin with.
I'm tired of self sabotage driven by self loathing.

I'm tired of hearing.
I'm tired of hearing "I've been where you are. Things will get better."
I'm tired of hearing "You just need to think positively."
I'm tired of hearing "Have you tried meditation?"
I'm tired of hearing "Have you tried different medication?"
I'm tired of hearing "Have you tried counselling?"
I'm tired of hearing "As bad as it is, it could always be worse."
I'm tired of hearing "It's all in your head."
I'm tired of hearing "Think of the people who love you."
I'm tired of hearing "It will pass."

I'm tired of overcrowded and understaffed hospitals.
I'm tired of useless lists of useless resources with useless solutions and short term commitments.
I'm tired of the only potentially effective resources being priced out of possibility.
I'm tired of "specialists" who can't respond, not even a simple phone call or email, to eight years of constant doctor referrals so you at least feel like you're taken seriously. Like your situation matters enough to warrant consideration and decision, even if it's a "no". That your life matters enough to be acknowledged. That you matter at all.
I'm tired of not being able to sleep at night because I dread having to face another day too soon.
I'm tired of waking up with my first reaction being disappointment I'm still alive.
Again.
That I will have to repeat it all.
Again.
I hate that my life is all about "again".
I hate my life.

I'm tired of being so tired. Not the best start to the day.

A song for the hell of it: Crowded House "Better Be Home Soon".

March 5, 2018
Madigan

The Memories We Make

It's almost three in the morning, and I'm trying once again to coax myself to bed, when I find my mind turning to my daughter Madi. When she was a little girl, I used to shave my head, and sometimes, as we watched TV, she would curl up in my lap and run her tiny hand back and forth across my bristly scalp. She said she liked the way it felt. It was such a simple gesture, but I remember how close - how connected - it made me feel to her. It was something special only we shared, and it makes me sad now to know I'll never be able to reclaim those moments. As I finally find it in me to call it a night, I do so with mixed emotions. I'm happy for the opportunities that created those memories with her, but I mourn my inability to recognize at the time that eventually, buried amongst everything else that would grow to seem so empirically important, it would be those quiet times between the two of us that will forever matter most. It's regretful that we only gain true wisdom through experience, but I suppose it's also only by the loss of something that we can appreciate the measure of its true value. Goodnight Madigan, I love you and I'm sorry I didn't hold you tighter when I had you curled so close.

March 2, 2018
All nighter smile

All Nighter

Well that was an all-nighter and there's still more to go. Made some headway on some work, so at least it wasn't a waste of anything other than sleep. We'll see how long I can go before I sneak a nap. I have to be careful because if I remain awake too long I can edge into a manic phase and the next thing I know, a week has gone by and I haven't made it to bed.

Still, it's Friday and should be treated as such. That's why I've decided to work without pants. In my office, every Friday is no-pants Friday. Of course, in my office, no one ever seems to want to hang around for long. I choose to believe it's a coincidence but then again, I also run on little sleep and a questionable lack of good judgement.

For everyone else getting up and on their way, be happy knowing you don't have to share a desk next to mine and everything else should be a bonus today. Oh, and don't forget to be awesome.

A jingle for the pants: The Cure "Friday I'm in Love".

February 28, 2018
Unicorn

Unicorns, Tequila, & Skittles

My brain feels like I'm riding an electric unicorn bull fueled by equal parts Tequila and Skittles. The best part is, the saddle and my mental pants are both made of Lego and fit together like my ego and the studliest fedora that money can buy. I am a creative God. Or at least as close as an Atheist can get. Or I'm just full of shit. Does it matter which, if I'm happy and I didn't make anyone else suffer to get here?