Stray Thoughts

July 10, 2017

Alternative Fact #134

George Washington once clothed himself in a burlap dress so that he could pretend he was a sack of potatoes while attending a work party. Jealous of his cutting edge style, George's boss fired him on the spot and stole the look as his own. And that is why being fired is sometimes called "getting sacked."

July 10, 2017

Over The Moon

Who cares about some runaway dish and spoon when the real question is, what the “hey diddle diddle” is going down between that cat and that fiddle?

July 10, 2017

Closing The Gap

Today I learned that the whole “dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s” thing is a myth. Only 6 reasons now why my dog is better than me.

July 10, 2017

A Leg Up

Today I saw a little person in the park. He was up on a box with a crowd of people around him and as I got closer I could hear him shouting about equality and how little people like himself deserved the same respect and opportunities as everyone else. I had to admit that I found him to be very convincing and so did many others, judging by all the nodding heads in the crowd. After a while I looked around and wondered if anyone else imagined what it would be like to use him as a footstool.

July 10, 2017

Does Anyone Have A Wet Wipe?

Today I found myself in a sticky wicket. I have no idea what a wicket is but I definitely don’t want to know how it got to be so sticky.

July 9, 2017

Pit Stop

The road of life could benefit from more rest stops. That, and much cleaner gas station washrooms.

July 9, 2017

eBay-jeeBays

Yesterday I got the heebie-jeebies. Not knowing what to do with them, I decided to sell them on eBay. A quarter each or five for a buck. So far business has been rather slow.

July 9, 2017

The Sounds Of Spring

I feel like a bird's sweet song in the spring. Except the song is more like a groan and instead of a bird it’s more of a ferret kind of thing, in the winter.

I am beginning to suspect that I may not be very good at sharing my feelings.

July 9, 2017

Isn’t That Always The Way?

Yesterday I was cleaning house and threw my back out. Today I woke up and realized I still needed it.

July 9, 2017

I Can Explain This

I have really got it going on. I just hope to hell I can get it off again before anyone gets home.

July 9, 2017

World Problems

Today I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I never would have agreed to give it that piggyback ride if I had known how boney its ass was.

July 9, 2017

A Friend In Need

Today I was willing to take a bullet for a friend until I discovered that taking it had nothing to do with shoplifting.

July 9, 2017

Who Wants Some?

I can bring it. I just don't think anyone would want what it is that I brought.

July 9, 2017

You Dropped Your Goods

There is good in everyone but sometimes they can be a little hesitant to share it, so you may need to kick them until it comes out.

July 9, 2017

Pushy Pushy

I think sometimes people need a push to get started. Sometimes I think I just like to push people.

July 9, 2017

Nude Light Special

I think the only reason we don't see more nudist shopping centers is because no one wants to handle the money.

July 9, 2017

I’ll Drink To That

Drinking alone is only a problem if you run out of booze and the nearest liquor store is farther away than you can walk.

July 9, 2017

More Karma For Your Karma

I think that if karma could be saved up and traded in like Air Miles, people would be a lot nicer.

July 9, 2017

Opting In

I think pants should be optional. I’d still wear them. I’d just like to have the option.

July 9, 2017

Tune In Hallmark

It would be cool if men had computer chips in their chest that would play music like one of those greeting cards whenever someone pressed their nipples. It’s not like they’re really using those things anyway.

July 9, 2017

Found You!

I think that “Hidden Driveway” signs are posted by people who always lost at Hide and Seek and now feel the need to ruin it for everyone else.

July 9, 2017

Bone Appetite

I think it’s unfair that they can make food for dogs that tastes good and is healthy for them and yet I’m forced to choose one option or the other.

July 9, 2017

That’s Crazy

I think everything is crazy. People just have different measurements for determining what is acceptable.

July 9, 2017

You’re Just Saying That

I think that if people really wanted to know what you were thinking they would be asking what’s in your mind and not simply what’s on it.

July 9, 2017

I’ll Drink To That

I think that alcohol always tastes better when I am naked. Another reason I choose not to invite my grandmother over for New Years.

July 9, 2017

Wash Our Differences Away

I think the real difference between men and women is whether you believe it is okay to pee in the shower or not.

July 9, 2017

In My Size

I think it’s fascinating that after so much work we put into dieting, exercising and losing weight, in the end we give the credit to our clothes by letting everyone know they “got too big for me”.

July 9, 2017

Tastes Like People

I think I am a people person the same way that Colonel Sanders was a vegetarian.

July 9, 2017

What A Drag

I think Sundays are like that friend you had who always had to drag his little brother Monday around.

July 9, 2017

Love Is

I think love is the most powerful force in the Universe. Like if something was riding on the back of a Tyrannosaurus Rex that was wearing a super robot body with laser-guided, nuclear missiles and sporting some mad ninja skills; that would be love. Something wearing a moustache would work too. Moustaches make everything more badass.