Stray Thoughts

July 9, 2017

The Sad Truth

I think it’s sad that the pot can’t recognize the inherent self-loathing and irony revealed in its unwarranted personal attacks on the kettle.

July 9, 2017

If It Isn’t Broken

I think that when people refer to the act of spaying and neutering their pets as “getting them fixed”, they do so ironically knowing full well that they have just broken a perfectly good dog.

July 9, 2017

A Little Joy

I like to bring a little Joy with me wherever I go. I have her on a keychain and feed her sunflower seeds while she rides about in my jacket pocket.

July 9, 2017

Senior Twin Powers, Activate

I like to rub together random old people in effort to find the perfect pair who will eventually meld together to become "Toothless Prime" the Wrinkled Avenger.

July 9, 2017

Eyes On The Fries

I like to go through McDonald's drive-thru and ask the person on the speaker to bring out a menu in brail so I can figure out what to order.

July 9, 2017

A Lesson Learned

I like to keep a live ferret in my pants just to remind myself that like an angry, claustrophobic ferret, life will sometimes bite me in the ass.

July 9, 2017

Comfort Food

I like to keep warm by lining my boxer shorts with toast fresh out of the toaster. The way I see it, sometimes a little heat is worth a few crumbs in the crack.

July 9, 2017

Easy Bake Me

I like to put a little bit of myself into everything I do, much to the chagrin of those who have sampled my chocolate chip cookies.

July 9, 2017

Winter Reminders

I like to remind myself I’m alive by making snow angels in the nude. My kids like to forget they are related to me by locking the door.

July 8, 2017

Compromise

To keep things interesting at the office, try your best to convince your co-workers that when it's your birthday, a Birthday Suit is entirely appropriate business attire. If they are still hesitant, tell them that you will agree to at least wear a tie. It always pays to be willing to compromise.

July 8, 2017

Finding Joy

For a richer life, try to find joy in the people around you. For a richer bank account, try to find change while hanging them upside down and shaking them.

July 8, 2017

Proper Hygiene

When licking hamsters, always be sure to shave them first. Choking on a hammy hairball is never pretty. Of course, if you are licking hamsters I don’t imagine hygiene is near the top of your priority list.

July 8, 2017

The Gift Of Life

When life gives you lemons, say thank you and move on. There are other people waiting in line.

July 8, 2017

Cheeseburgers

Never trust cheeseburgers. Sure, they’re nice to your face but turn your back and they’re talking about you in no time.

July 8, 2017

Who Can I Say Is Calling?

It is never a problem if you talk to yourself. It isn’t even a problem if you answer yourself. If you start putting yourself on hold because you have another voice coming in, then you may have a bit of a problem.

July 8, 2017

Spies

Dance like nobody is watching but don’t pick your nose in case you’re wrong.

July 8, 2017

The Littles

Little Boy Blue & Little Bo Peep lost their sheep. Rumor has it that they fell asleep but I don’t buy it. I’ve seen the way they look at each other.

July 8, 2017

She Sells Sea Shells

Sally sells seashells down by the seashore. That Sally is stupid. If I was already at the seashore I’d pick my own damn shells & just skip the middleman.

July 8, 2017

Beware The Road Less Traveled

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that’s when I was beaten up by the wood nymphs.

July 8, 2017

Optimistically Speaking

There are three kinds of optimists in the world and I have slapped each one of them. Put a spin on that you damn show offs.
July 8, 2017

Just What The Doctor Ordered

Drinking beer makes me sleepy. Cold medicine makes me sleepy. Why can’t they make cold medicine beer?
July 8, 2017

Making Decisions

3 questions I always ask myself before committing to anything:

  1. What would Ghandi do?
  2. Will it come off with Windex?
  3. Will this make my ass look big?
July 8, 2017

Six Things I Could Never Live Without

  1. My daughters.
  2. My sense of humour.
  3. A creative outlet.
  4. Hope.
  5. A saxophone.
  6. Okay number 5 was a lie. It should be a tuba. See how I rounded this list out to 6 without actually having six things to share?
  7. My wit.
  8. Okay, I see where I went wrong on that number 5 now. I tried to be clever and inflate my list but then remembered another thing I couldn't do without so I had to add a number 7 to the list. Damn. Now eight.
  9. Boundaries.
July 8, 2017

People In Need

According to Barbra Streisand, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world. On the other hand, people who need people for a heart transplant, probably not so much.
July 8, 2017

Snap. Crackle. Pop.

To the person in my family who put the Rice Krispies box back in the cupboard upside down; the dog thanks you for the surprise shower of Snap, Crackle, Pop goodness.

I however, am still hungry.

July 7, 2017

Paging Doctor Know-It-All

Does it wig anyone else out that doctors are always “practicing” medicine? Do they ever get good enough at it to go pro?
July 7, 2017

Wanna Bet?

A dollar says I can beat you in a game of pool, which really freaks me out because I didn't think the dollar even knew me.
July 7, 2017

What Would Jesus Bring?

When attending a potluck supper, do you think Jesus ever has to ask what he should bring?
July 7, 2017

Pay Negotiable

Wanted: One trained individual to tickle my fancy and a second one to show me what the hell it is in the first place. Pay negotiable but clean hands a must.
July 7, 2017

Who Won?

This morning I read that life is not a competition. That made me feel a little better. At least now I know I’m not the only one not getting a prize.